I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
