make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
