Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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