I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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