you're like a bully in the Christmas story
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
