You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
