2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
im six kinds of drunk right now
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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