He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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