Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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