R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
