okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
