I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
