just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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