I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just come out here and I will go home with you...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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