I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
