Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
