I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
