ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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