just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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