So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
