I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
