While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
