what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
