i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
zippers are such a cool invention
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
