He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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