i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
