She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
