He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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