Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
