He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
