life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
