I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
