I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
