i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
