did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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