I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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