Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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