got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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