My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
