I'm sorry my penis didn't work
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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