You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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