Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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