If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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