I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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