I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
