Your dad touched me again.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
