True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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