i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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