i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
