Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
